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Wednesday 03/19/2003 #301

Bama Mate & Famous Anus @ Waterloo

Hash Trash:











Sacred Vessel Reported Stolen

Local Resident Implicated

Suspected Plunger Thief
WATERLOO, IL -- The entire local police department was dispatched to the parking lot behind the warehouse across the street from OTC. They arrived just in time to apprehend the stragglers of a group of ten perpetrators. Skilled interrogaters, the officers quickly pieced together the entire story of the evening's escapade. It all began in an alley somewhere in downtown Waterloo. Exactly where is still a mystery because everyone got lost and had to follow the suspected ringleader down a dark alley. This ringleader is a long-time, respected resident of this town.

In the dark alley, the plotting began. The planning stage involved beer in bottles and cans, elaborate schemes sketched out in invisible chalk and white flour on the alley pavement, and one really terrible attempt at a cartwheel. The deliberations were carried out in Dutch, English, and Hash lingo. The ringleaders were surprised to have such a large gang, considering the remote location and the relatively small quantity of loot to be heisted. A previously unknown gang member flew all the way from San Antonio, Texas to attend: code name, Vomitus Maximus. (He swears it was an isolated incident.)

After much deliberation about this and the next adventure, the ringleader and his woman slowly moved away from the pack, heading out of the alley, leaving a trail of flour. Evidently this powdery substance was intended to guide the rest of the perpetrators to the final crime scene. A mastermind of crime and criminals, our perpetrator knew that his associates possessed only half a mind.

Read the next column

Exactly one twelve-ounce beer later, by Witty's timekeeping, the rest of the crew slunk away from the comfort of the beer coolers into the dark Waterloo night. The ringleader's trail led them through streets and fields, past a Catholic school, through warehouse yards and creeks. Through most of this they managed to escape detection, except for one unfortunate jogger. Here is his report:

"I was just running along, listening to music on my headphones, when suddenly I hear this shout, right next to me: 'ARE YOU??' This MAN, this scary MAN, was right next to me, just yelling at me, and I didn't know what to do! Thank you for saving me, officer!" (Name withheld on request.)

Upon further investigation, the officers determined that this particular scary man was the one called "Whiney Bitch." In fact, this particular incident was one reason Whiney Bitch was proposed as a herald to carry the Sacred Vessel.

This group of hoary criminals, known amongst themselves and those who fear them as "Hashers," was spotted at Willie's consuming pitcher after pitcher of yellow brew. Here they were fairly subdued. This is attributed to the presence of several young children at the next table.

Continued on Page 12


War Begins

In other news, the US assault on Iraq began at the same time as the on-out.


Page 12

Deadly Hare, con't from Page 1
From here, the pack of Hashers proceeded more slowly toward the final scene. It was noted that the females in the group, while slower than some others, were frequently at the front. This was due to a preponderance of body-centered cubic flour formations on the trail.

When asked why these accomplices followed the trail so carefully, the officers were told: "Why, they said it was an A to B. We had to follow trail." So proceeds the devilishly clever mind of a once-esteemed resident of Waterloo.

Finally, the path of flour and chalk terminated at said parking lot. There, upon the gravel, the Hashers proceeded to display debauchery of all kinds. There was much consumption of yellow beer. There was singing of bawdy, disruptive, and sometimes creative songs. And most frightening of all, there was much display of heretofor unseen body parts! In fact, this reporter has it from an undisclosed source that this was the highest number of interesting body parts at a Hash yet this year. Amazing! Astounding! Positively arousing!

There was no camera present to collect evidence at this point. However, one witness, Dustin paTterson (he insists it's with a capital T), reports that the Hashers accosted him when he came out of the bar to see what all the noise was. They forced him to stand in the midst of their circle, give his name, and consume a beer. They then tried to convince him to display his sensitive parts, but he refused and stumbled back to the bar in terror.

By the time the circle of debauchery concluded with the bestowing of the stolen Sacred Vessel, OTC had almost stopped consuming food. Who was granted the honor of carrying the sacred vessel until the next gathering of cohorts? It was almost PMS for the previously mentioned attempt at a cartwheel. It was almost Fartfignugen for wrapping his member in a noose and displaying it in lieu of a cranium band. It was almost Whiney Bitch for never shutting up in the circle. But then, in a fit of horniness, Fartfignugen snatched Whiney Bitch's "like new" hat and shoved it down his pants! The circle cried, "Aaaah!" and nearly awarded Fart the sacred vessel until Whiney snatched his hat back and... sniffed it! Reeeeeevolting! After this, Whiney Bitch was declared the undisputed winner of the Hashshit.

The woman, leading the festivities, attempted to terminate the singing early in order to escape detection. However, PMS refused to be cheated out of her 50-run headband.

Finally, the ringleader and his woman dispatched some scouts to the bar to be sure the cook did not escape. It was at this point that the Waterloo police force arrived. Not fewer than four police units accosted the fleeing hashers. This is a snippet of the interrogation:
Sexy blonde cop:
"What is going on here?"
Radar Luv:
"I think you should check to see if I'm packing."
Blonde cop (looking at shorts):
"You're not."

And, to Postage Tramp...
Officer:
"I have to ask this. Did I see someone running with... a plunger?"


Paid Advertisement

Perpetrators:

  • Bama Mate
  • Famous Anus
  • PMS
  • Postage Tramp
  • Witty Titty Carrot Committee
  • PC Porn
  • Fartfignugen
  • Whiney Bitch
  • Vomitus Maximus
  • Radar Luv
Suspect Charge Song Flashed a body part
Bama Mate, Famous Anus Hares Shitty Trail PMS
Whiney Bitch (77)
Postage Tramp (40)
Fartfignugen (60)
Significant Runs 4Skin
Whiney Bitch, Postage Tramp Cranium Gear What a wank
Whiney Bitch, Fartfignugen, PMS Lack of cranium bands Down down song Fartfignugen
Famous Anus No shit
Whiney Bitch, PMS, Postage Tramp Racist attire and accessories to crime Running song
PMS Leaving lips Tit song
Vomitus Maximus Visitor (see next) Vomitus
Whiney Bitch yakking Ball song Whiney Bitch
Postage Tramp, PC Porn, Famous Anus, Radar Luv, Bama Mate Not flashing Hymn Postage Tramp
PC Porn, PMS Quietude Fartfignugen
Famous Anus Hinting at flashing . Famous Anus (really, a good one)
Whiney Bitch, Vomitus Maximus Birthdays Hashy Birthday Vomitus Maximus
(nobody) Whitey Tighties Whiney Bitch, Fartfignugen
Witty Titty New song Radar Luv's Song for Witty Witty Titty. Plus PMS left the circle without permission and we all follower her around the corner to watch her pee... does that count?
Dustin PatTerson (with help from Vomitus Maximus and Fartfignugen) Interrupting our circle Counting Song .
Whiney Bitch Hashshit . PC Porn (one tit only)
PMS, Bama 50 runs, forgetting 50 runs . .
Flashers at on-after: Postage Tramp, Vomitus Maximus, ???

All in all, just another shitty, flashy trail.



Directions:


Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999