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Saturday 06/22/2019 #1566

Dewey @ ???

Hash Trash:

Remember that time when Dewey and TSA thought it would be fun to make us run every fucking hill in fucking Shrewsbury? No? That's because you weren't at fucking hash #1566 and you fucking suck. We're not fucking mad about the fucking hills though. Really.

We circled up at some old man wiener park. There weren't very many old man wieners though. Just Pee pole', Beaver chaser, and some guy named Sexorcist. They didn't even show their wieners, so that was a bust. The hares did their little chalk talk, which included a new notation. They wouldn't tell us specifically what DWH meant, so like good hashers, we immediately started speculating. We were at a wiener park, so logically D = dick. I mean, it doesn't matter where we are, logically D = dick. Maybe they were going to make us eat a bag of dicks? But what about the WH? After intense deliberation, we concluded that it was probably dicks with hats. Then we were informed that PH doesn't mean puke halt anymore. So many exciting surprises. But then Dewey said it was a pee halt, but we would have to wait to find out what kind of pee we were being forced to consume.

At least 50% of the hashers were walkers, so naturally, the hares didn't have a walker trail. There wasn't even a turkey eagle split, so I'm not sure why we needed 2 hares. Maybe they like to hold hands while they lay trail. TSA was already tipsy at circle, so that probably explains why she needed someone to hold her hand. The walkers were given the option to walk the trail backwards to the beer stop, but they would be bypassing the dicks with hats and pee halts, so the ones who had already had enough dicks and golden showers that day opted for that. Circle was short and there were no virgins or visitors, except some guy named Sexorcist who isn't a virgn or visitor, but no one remembered him because he hasn't hashed in so long.

After circle, we were all ready and eager to start trail. The hares pre-laid, so they were auto-haring to the beer stop. The RA was ready to send us on our way, but then TSA said Tased would be there soon and we should wait for him. Against our better judgement, we waited for Tased. Then we waited some more because he wasn't almost there. Finally after hours of waiting, Tased showed up and he wasn't even ready to hash. We had to wait even longer for him to put his shoes on. WTF, Tased?!?! Thanks for making us wait, fucking wanker.

Trail started up a hill on some soggy field. This was the first indication that it would be a shitty trail. Then we immediately lost trail (second indication) and we went back and forth through the soggy field 10 times before finding trail the opposite way from where the trail seemed to be going. Fuck me pumps sprinted ahead of the group and we would occasionally catch a glimpse of her far away, but I think she was embarrassed to be seen with us or something. Then we went up another hill. Then down a hill and up another fucking hill. And so on. Then at a check, we see Reverse Australian Shepherd sprinting down a big hill. I have no idea how he found us since he didn't follow trail, but he works for the government, so probably some kind of spy shit. When I asked him if there were marks that way, he said, "yeah, lots of them." He failed to mention that there were only a few that led to a soggy blow job that looked like spilled flour. His misleading information furthers my suspicion that he's a spy, or just incompetent. He works for the government, so either or both could be true. We didn't see fuck me pumps until she was forced to stop and wait for us at the DWH stop. We were all super disappointed that it was not a bag of dicks and there were no cute, tiny dick hats. Just some danger water. The pear elderberry was actually good, so the hares are redeemed though. We drank the cold danger water in the shade of a testicle tree (it was a pear tree, but they grow in pairs like testicles). Then we ran some more fucking hills to the pee halt, which was a can of peeckles (which is just pickles with the juice replaced by Deweys urine from when she was on the verge of alcohol poisoning.) On the way back to circle, we came to our first and only water crossing, which was weird because it had monsooned for hours that morning. It was just a tiny stream going through a small patch of trees. There were two ways to cross it, go a few feet to the right and cross a narrow spot or go over it on a small log. Claim to flame decided to go over it and promptly slipped in mud. That was the wrong way anyway, so we went back to cross it again. Tased thought, if Claim can't do it, then I definitely can, and proceeded to fall in the stream. Accepting his defeat and taking advantage of the urban hot tub, he soaked in the sewage laden stream for a few minutes before continuing on trail.

Sweet Ho came to circle with a runner she picked up who had just finished running a fucking Shrewsbury hill and tricked her into coming back to the on in. She said "Come with us. It'll change your life." Someone said that to me once at a party and my butthole hasn't been the same since, so I guess it was true. Circle was the usual shit. Sexorcist got in trouble for talking nonstop during circle and So sweet ho gave him a verbal lashing. There were some insignificant runs, we sang vulgar, profane songs right next to a children's birthday party, etc. We initiated Just Kristine into the hash by having her sing swing low. All I remember from hash shit was that when one hare drinks, all hares drink and when one birthday loser drinks, all birthday losers drink, and when one gm drinks, all gms drink, and it was just a big circle jerk. Tased needs to post his factual hash synopsis. That shit's useful.

--Cunt Punt


The Dewey/TSA birthday train rolls on, with the Big Hump stop pulling in at Paul C. Wehner Senior Memorial Park
7600 Hazel Ave, St. Louis, MO 63119
Google Maps: https://goo.gl/maps/87hJguh1ZSxFXdMH6

Remember, get all your holes punched on your DewSA birthday trails punchcard and maybe get a prize or something!

More details, including the on-after, to come.

Do not bring lemon bars. It's not that kind of party.

Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999