Whiney Bitch @ ???
Hash Trash:
HUMMERS PARA LIBRE
The Night She Pooped
INTRO:
There are three groups of people who are about to read this non-sense:
1. People who didn't hash last night.
2. People who hashed last night but forgot all of the important bits.
3. People who hashed last night, remembered everything, but wanted to read what I had to write.
Well, I'm no writer, but I can tell you one thing...Hummers Para Libre totally pooped on trail last night!
THE BEGINNING:
Whiney Bitch stole my hash and decided to set trail in the only place he knows, Forrest Park. I donned Plot My G-Spot's best shiggy socks and drove out to Forest Park to share stories of Bungle, drink shitty beer, and to get a nice 5 mile pavement pounding run in.
I volunteered for Hash Scribe as Disco Ass started circle. Even though there were no virgins, Whiney Bitch laid a pretty stellar chalk talk in the grass.
"I used 10 pounds of flour and 5 rolls of toilet paper on this trail so I don't want to hear any of you complaining," Whiney was heard muttering as everyone continued their conversations while ignoring the chalk talk.
Disco Ass blessed the hare and everyone sounded off and groped up.
I was having a splendid conversation with the lovely Hummers Para Libre about running, kids, and what not and she comes out of no where with "I usually poop in the morning, but have to pee on trail a lot." Not one to be rude as this is usually not my sort of subject to talk about, I politely informed her that, "Well, if you have to poop, use this TP sticking out of my shiggy sock."
Dewey Sexual System then walked up and claimed that she saw a Turkey Eagle Split up on Wells and that we should probably all run up that way. ON-OUT!
THE TRAIL:
About 100 yards out we encountered our first of many chick checks. Hashers swarmed the bike path and were almost hit by bikers, yet no harriettes flashed. Colorado Cock Tease claimed to flash, but no one seemed to catch a glimpse. Also no one listened to Dewey about the T/E Split up on Wells, so we all just kind of moped around with our balls in our hands until someone blew a whistle.
Most of the hash missed the T/E Split and instead just followed the giant E --> into the woods. Being the smart hasher that I am, I decided to take the Turkey trail with Lucy. We ran along trails for about a mile until we came across a helpful vagrant who pointed us in the direction that we should go. We then came to a Chick Check and waited for Funny BoneHer and 2 Fuck Canuck to show up. Funny BoneHer flashed us twice for good measure. What a helpful hasher!!
Farther on down the line we encountered an angry Dewey who found the CB 21 on the Turkey Trail and we told her about the boobs that we saw. She regaled us with an even better story about how she flashed Claim To Flame at the chick check, but it actually turned out to be the helpful vagrant that pointed us in the right direction. Helpful hashers everywhere.
Then I threw up because I swallowed a gnat.
We arrived at the beer stop, in what some consider to be the most moist place on Earth, and drank cold beer as Eaglers and Turkiers limped in.
It was at the beer stop that I noticed that my shiggy sock TP was missing. Did it just fall off, or did Hummers grab it before entering the woods earlier?
We walked out of the woods after the beer stop and were surprised to see that we were at the start of trail again. How nice! The faithful sound of the Jumanji like drum circle next to our start led all of the hashers in and everyone hunkered down for what was soon to be a very entertaining circle.
THE END:
Do you know what's better than calling Whiney Bitch into the circle to let him know that his trail sucked? Doing it again midway through the circle. I've never seen someone get so flustered. Don't worry Whiney, your trail didn't suck that bad.
Disco Ass led us through the normal down downs for FRBs, DFLs, Backsliders, and what not. Since we had no virgins, our Justs were called in to entertain us. One of the Justs(sorry I can't remember her name) started raping. Sorry, rapping. It was strangely elegant, but not very erotic. I suggested we instantly name her The Notorious V.A.G, but I guess I wasn't yelling loud enough.
Our newly named hasher called Jamaican Me Hard was called in and was given a damp hash necklace.
International House of Penis was also called in and given an extremely damp and late 50 run cranium band.
Other hashers were called in for significant runs, but the real fun started when Hashshit nominations opened up. The RA was called in for not starting circle in the drum circle. Dewey was called in for solving a Check Back for the first time. The hare was called in for something Whiney related. Any other nominations? Then nothing but whispers. [Did you hear what Hummers did in the woods? I can't believe no one is going to call her in. I heard A Boy Named Sewage just watched.] This scribe had had enough! Hummers Para Libre for pooping trail!! WHAT??? Holy Shit! Dewey was voted down. Disco had a good showing, but the vote for Hummers was staggering. Only Whiney Bitch could save her but we all knew what was about to happen. While proclaiming her innocence the entire time, the hashers filled the hashshit with all sorts of delicious treats. Someone then yelled, "You can get out of it by flashing, then GladHeAteHer will have to drink it." In the end, she did the honorable thing and drank some of it, then tried to pour it behind her cranium but ended up getting a golden shower. A Boy Named Sewage just stood there and watched and all was good with the hash.
THE LESSON:
For all of you future hash scribes out there, the keyboard is indeed mightier than the whistle. Oh, and always bring a little TP on trail for your butthole in case you need to pull a Hummers.
Faithfully submitted,
GladHeAteHer
Directions:
Whiney Bitch's Kennedy Forest Hash
Meet in FOREST PARK, Southwest (Kennedy Forest) on Wells Drive just east of Government Drive.
Theme: Dress for Shiggy Survival.
What to expect: Ultra Shiggy Trail, plus walker and/or wheeler friendly trail.
Where: At pavilion off Wells Drive. Parking on south side of Wells Drive only.
On After:
TBD
